If you are new to my journey – this is the post for you. It’s been a long one and one with lots of heartache, that could have been avoided. It’s raw and real and I’m not holding back. If loss is a huge trigger for you, please don’t read it.
When I met my now husband, Tom, in 2007… I didn’t want children. Those that know me, know I had zero interest in kids. CRAZY to think I’m now pregnant with what will be my 4th living child. All of that changed when we started dating. I wanted all the babies and a family. We had Adisen in October of 2010. While trying for our second child. I suffered an early miscarriage. I don’t remember all the details but I know I was about 6 weeks pregnant and it was May 2012. I had my first appointment with a midwife. Shortly after I was at work and miscarried. The hospital confirmed it and that was that. I did grieve like I did with my future losses. It was almost easier because it was early and I knew that baby had no chance at a viable life. The next month, I was pregnant again!
Tate arrive in March of 2013. He was perfect… our lives were complete. Or so I thought LOL It wasn’t long after that I decided I wanted another baby. So, we waited till Tate was 2 and tried again. No issues, I was pregnant! Towards the end of my pregnancy my OB advised me that I tested positive for an Anti- M Antibody. THIS could provide some complications as my body tries to attack the baby and deprive it as blood. The baby may need a blood transfusion. Lucky for us, Daxton made his entrance 3 weeks early and was a chunky little guy! I remember it clearly, still being in the hospital and telling Tom I wanted a 4thbaby. He told me I was crazy and we would talk about it later on.
While still on mat leave with Daxton, we decided a 4th would complete our family. The next 4 years would open our eyes to so much. I was so thankful that I was working from home and didn’t have to leave the house for months at a time. I spent much of the last 3 years being heartbroken, sad, more than likely depressed and hurt.
Having Daxton at home is probably what saved me the most. Tom tried, he really did. But there was nothing he could do or say to make me feel better. March 2017, I was pregnant again. My OB went over the same information about Anti- M Antibody and how it could affect my pregnancy… but everything seemed to be going great! I went in for my 20 week check up and he couldn’t find a heartbeat. I had all 3 kids with me as it was summer break and Tom was at work. I barely remember calling him and telling him that I had to bring the kids home, then return for an emergency ultrasound. He sat with me as I balled my face off. They confirmed there was no longer a heartbeat. This day doesn’t stand strong in my mind anymore. I’m numb to it all just writing this. I was given medication to take at home to pass the pregnancy. I did and everything went on.
When I returned for my 6 weeks checkup, I was told it was bad luck. I asked for testing to see if anything was wrong and was told “No, no, it’s just bad luck” So we grieved but decided we would try again, after all it was just bad luck. These are words that I now hate. Hate is a strong word, but I HATE the words bad luck. Had I advocated then and there and demanded to be tested….things would have been much different.
This is where the dates get blurry. Shortly after I was pregnant again. Discussed the Anti- M Anti-body. Again. It would be monitored. I had bloodwork done and it was showing less than titre 1. Which is good. This means it isn’t affecting my pregnancy. I was sent for an ultrasound sometime after my 12th week. I believe I lost that baby around 14 weeks. I again was given medication to pass the pregnancy.
For anyone that has taken Misoprostol it isn’t a pleasant experience. I honestly don’t wish it on anyone. I was heartbroken having to do this for a second time. But it was more pleasant than doing it in the hospital or having a D & C. Returned for my 6 week checkup. I was told again “It’s just bad luck. 3 % of women miscarry more than once in a row” So now I was a statistic. 3 % . I was angry, hurt and felt broken. Poor Tom having to sit with me through all of this, not knowing how to deal. I will share that I am normally not an open person. Writing this is VERY hard for me. Especially while being 31 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby x 4! But Tom stood by me… every step of the way. Hugging me when I needed it most and just being.
I believed him. I believed that it was just bad luck. There was NO way this would happen again. But it did. At 12 weeks I started spotting and knew. I was now a statistic of 1%. I took the pills again, at home, after having it confirmed by ultrasound again. It was 8pm and they brought in a Doctor to tell me that I had in fact miscarried. I cried all the way home. How in the HELL does this happen 3 freaking times? Attended my 6 week checkup and I was still bleeding, which didn’t seem right to me. He assured me that it was normal. I spotted on and off for months. I started taking Black Cohosh and passed tissue that was left behind from my miscarriage. The bleeding stopped. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to try again. Tom left it up to me.
I wanted to know what was wrong with me. I demanded testing. He sent Tom and I to be chromosomally tested. All I kept thinking was how could something chromosomally be wrong when we have 3 children. It has to be something else. We didn’t go for that testing. When I got pregnant a few months later, I requested a new OB. I was done with him. I was immediately put on 81mg of aspirin and progesterone. Neither of which my previous OB offered or suggested. I made it to 12 weeks. We lost our 4th pregnancy. I again took the pills at home to pass the pregnancy. Except this time, it didn’t work like the other times. I had lost a lot of blood and was passing out. Tom called an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital in the very early morning. Talk about scary. I don’t remember much of it. I was scheduled for an emergency D & C, which lucky for me, my new OB was on call. We discussed a blood transfusion as I was boarder line needing one. The problem was, with my Antibody issues, giving me someone else’s blood would cause more issues. So, she wouldn’t do it unless it was absolutely necessary!
The D & C was successful, I didn’t require a blood transfusion and I went home later that day. All of this.. all that I’ve written was/is a blur. How does one person go through SO much? Infertility is a scary word. Yet so many people suffer from it and I blame doctors like my first OB. How do you let a woman have 3 miscarriages and chalk it up to bad luck? I attended my 6 week check up with Tom and we decided we would try once more, but not before testing. We were both sent for all sorts of blood tests. Within 2 months we learned that I had tested positive for lupus anticoagulant. A blood disorder that clots my blood and cuts off the supply to the baby, ending its chance at life. One fucking test and we had an answer. Our game plan was put into place.
When I became pregnant I would be put on 40mg of Lovenox (which is a daily shot), 81mg of aspirin and progesterone. November 15, 2019, I peed on a stick and it was positive. That night Tom was doing my first shot. We are due July 23, 2020 and baby BOY is doing amazing.
There was a Facebook group that I found to be an amazing resource. I’ve also met some amazing women in this group that have shared the same journey I have… if you need support, join it! https://www.facebook.com/groups/114173492216/
I share all of the above to help women understand that they can advocate for their health. I wish I would have pushed HARD for testing to be done after my first loss. The amount of blood work I’ve had done in the last 4 years, let’s just say I know all the tech’s very well and they know me & my story!It was my body, and I deserved to have testing done. One test would have saved us so much heartache. Fight for what you believe in and don’t give up home. Our rainbow babe will be home before we know it.
